Good Morning to Goodnight Read online

  I wanted it to be me

  I know how incredibly difficult it is to love someone with every inch of your body and soul and for it to end just like that, I know the pain. It aches not just the heart but the entire body. It’s as if the entire skeleton becomes corrupted by sadness and the heart that pumps blood around your body is drained. It’s so drained that it exhausts you; it no longer pumps the blood as fast as it used to; predominantly because your heart no longer beats as fast as it used to.

  Everything is worn out. Every inch of your body is tired. You loved wholeheartedly, with not just your heart but your mind, spirit and soul. You gave them the love you wanted back because you saw their potential- in fact, you still see their potential and it has corrupted you. You have had such a big fall down and you’ve never felt so low- they didn’t intentionally mean to leave you feeling worthless; they claimed they want you to be happy.

  But, ‘how can I be happy?’ you ask yourself

  You’ve fallen so deep that now you’re the only person who has to hold your own hand and help yourself up

  But

  You will

  You will find yourself again

  ‘Patience is a virtue.’

  Goodnight

  The day has ended

  (indicative of closure)

  The stars appear- wishing becomes apparent.

  No matter how much you try and convince yourself during the day you no longer miss the individual- it will kick in during the night.

  You make your way to a coffee shop-

  a busy 2pm- the one just down the road from school or work- telling yourself 'no I don't miss them'

  Hit 2am. That's when it'll hurt. When you're laying in an empty room reminiscing the memories-

  The way you appreciated this individual’s existence

  The amount of love you had for them The spark you both created when getting to know one another

  Now,

  Staring at the blank ceiling Wondering either- why did they let me go? Or- why did I let them go?

  That's when it'll hit that nobody in the world will ever love you the same

  way;

  Their love cannot be reciprocated.

  Ever. Enclosed still Tears? Maybe.

  you turn to your side and think of all the memories or what you could have been.

  The tears hit the pillows

  You see a stain of warm water Almost puddle-like

  At this point, you're either wondering what’s wrong with me?

  Why did they leave?

  Or

  Why did I let them go?

  Maybe I wasn't ready?

  Making up scenarios excuses over- thinking

  Blaming yourself for either doing something wrong maybe not treating them with enough love-

  Or, still laying, staring at the blank ceiling recalling the 'good morning' to 'goodnight' texts

  Just to ponder upon the fact-

  No matter how much you adored them

  No matter how many memories you both created,

  The spark has now been lit out.

  it’s time for closure

  Maybe one day you’ll be his and he’ll be

  yours

  Maybe you’ll find one another

  Maybe he’ll come home-

  If not in this world

  Maybe, just maybe in the next

  Knowing the small things he didn’t like

  but still had to experience, killed her

  She wanted to be the one who would pick him back up

  Gently lay her hand upon his cheeks and tell him she would be there for him and support him no matter what life threw at him

  Wrap her arms around him when he had a rough day

  She just wanted to be there for him- Through both

  His ups and his

  downs

  She craves your presence

  she craves your warm breath to be reflected on her skin-the same skin you left such a mark on that it yearns to feel your touch

  she craves her fingers running through your soft hair with her eyes looking deep into yours

  Open your eyes;

  She craves nothing but you

  oNly YoU

  I am always writing for him

  The person who imprinted himself so deep into my soul

  That when I pick up a pen

  All I want to do is cover the page with his name

  So it's nearly the New Year I stare expressionlessly at my phone

  Your name printed on the top left corner

  Asking myself 'should I message?' Constantly repeating 'Not even a Happy New Year x'

  ?

  Then I realize.

  If you want me, you'll fight.

  My love for you is strong- you said yourself you 'feel it'

  So

  If you want me you'll come find me

  When I know I want something

  I’ll go for it

  I’ll fight for it

  I won’t give up

  Neither should you

  Because

  If someone is always on your mind-

  They’re most likely supposed to be there.

  Good morning to Goodnight

  Waking up to a good morning message made my day

  You were my good morning to goodnight.

  Now I'm sat here wondering why good morning is two words and goodnight is one

  Maybe because in the morning you part ways and you have the opportunity to create your own story each day.

  In the night, that's when the deep conversations take place- we come together to tell each other our daily stories

  That's when you get a real insight into an individual.

  The best time to talk I remember

  You and I

  Conversations lasting until 3-4am during the summer nights

  Truth or dare Dare I say

  I object and create my own Worse they were.

  'Tell me a story'

  3 full months you waited

  Finally.

  A uniquely composed one

  Printed

  Bound

  Now- sat in a drawer- the one attached to the bottom of my cupboard- the one which very rarely gets opened.

  Just to demonstrate I'm not the same as the rest

  Plus the pressure of hearing 'when someone tells me a story it tells me a lot about the person'

  I wanted to spend time on it

  Although you never got to physically touch it, you still asked me to read it aloud

  I hope you felt it

  I hope you felt how much you meant to me

  The Boy of Our Dreams

  Conceived. Cupped growing Safe and sound

  My precious, our precious

  I had an idea of what he'd be like My blood your blood

  Mixed

  Our first- excitement struck

  I knew he was safe- safe inside A place nobody could hurt him warm cuddled

  protected Foetus now.

  Gradually growing making me question how very quick it was all happening

  Kicking became apparent

  I knew he had your crazy personality; exemplified by the annoyingness of the kicking and constant moving around

  Yet appreciating these moments.

  How you lay your gentle hands on my belly

  Just to feel your son's movements

  tears of joy melted heart

  1am July 28th

  Awoken by intense contractions You yet not forgetting to give me my good morning kiss

  Continued contractions Rushed to the hospital.

  Room so delicately luxuriously decorated

  Simple yet so gorgeously designed Glass Babies cot by my right

  Blue blankie accompanied by a teddy towards the far back

  You, still by my side

  Squeezing hands Painful screams Cries

  And there he was- Our mini Singh!

  Now wearing your first baby grow-

  On my chest
/>   Your right arm around me

  Your left, slowly stroking our son's delicate soft left cheek.

  I took a deep gaze into your eyes seeing how proud you were

  I witnessed your tears of joy.

  Your hand now entwined with mine just like the first time we encountered one another

  Complimented with a kiss on the forehead

  Paternal grandparents prouder than ever

  Their first grandchild with their only son- a mini you, he sure was.

  Your eyes My smile Your hair curly.

  Gifted by his grandparents a Silver stainless steel bangle

  Accompanying his right wrist-placed gently by his grandfather.

  4pm- room filled with flowers bluer than ever filled with delight a part of you and part of me

  He was here

  3 Years of age. Impeccable manners.

  Courtesy to treat others with respect- closeness with such a strong bond between him and his grandfather.

  Three generations all under one roof-

  Love, happiness a close-knit family All we ever wanted.

  Not only responsible for being a husband and wife but now being a mother and father of a beautiful little boy A mini you

  (a part of you a part of me!)

  Our little boy- the one you had always wanted.

  This impeccable little human Created by us

  'You're going to be the mother of my kids' he said.

  That's when my imagination went into deeply desired wonders

  The purple pillow of yours which was my favorite

  (The one matching my preferred purple top- remember the one I used to wear all the time during our summer nights?)

  The one I watched you fall asleep and wake up on

  Eternal love

  I can still feel his wet lips pressing sweetly against mine

  Butterflies intensified

  I still feel it

  The taste,

  O I remember

  How could I possibly forget?

  My first whom I was hoping would be my last

  I still see it Him and me Me and him Him and I

  I and him Us Together

  Although our souls may not be together Our bodies may not be together

  We may not be together My love is forever eternal 'Love never dies' he said Hopefully

  I thought

  The way your thumb did that moving thing whilst holding my hand

  The way I rested my head on your shoulder

  The way you used to move your hands up and down my back when we hugged

  The way we entwined hands and I took a picture every time

  The way these extraordinary moments will forever remain memories

  The door was open but only a little.

  I wasn't fully inside; it was partially open- I wanted him to open it when he was prepared

  I didn't force it open; I didn't want to So,

  I kept my hand on the handle. Sometimes, when I knew something was going on over the other side, my grip on the handle tightened

  Yet with a

  softer fragile touch.

  I wanted him to know there was someone at the other end There.

  A strong desire to come inside Wanting to be the girl who

  Came home. To ignite the fire within him Motivate him

  ;

  I saw the potential. His potential. When he was ready

  He could let me in

  I could enter- I told myself.

  Clueless of the thoughts going on over the other side of the door,

  shook the hand whose strong grip yet partially remained

  Chaotic thoughts

  Nervous. Wanting to go inside Little I knew what was going on. The touch on the handle remained Soft

  Tense. Softer

  Tenser. Until Bang! Shut

  just like that.

  I may not know how you’re feeling, she said.

  But

  I know when you're hurting- she thought.

  As much as you try to deny it, I know.

  Honestly, babe, nothing’s wrong he said so reassuringly

  But she knew.

  She could hear it in his voice.

  She felt it

  She wanted to help

  She wanted him to know

  She was here as much as he was for her

  Remember the time I asked you to look out of the window and stare at the moon- I found it astonishing that we were both looking at the same thing yet from different locations. Now, I look out the window- not only to make a wish upon a star but I wonder if you’re doing the same too

  Imperfection is perfection. Think of it this way. A crystal- with lots of imperfect pieces attached and formed to make one beautiful crystal. That’s the way you should view your flaws and insecurities; they all combine to make this one significant individual.

  You.

  I hope I’ve left my mark as the girl who will love you like no other. I hope you remember me. The ‘crazy’ and ‘weird’ one; our story was different we were different- we were the complete opposite but got along so well

  I loved you and you loved me

  Candles lit Lamps on Fire

  ignited

  4 snug on their living room sofa.

  Vanilla scent dissipated Fuzzy boots

  Hot coco

  Hands entwined-just like the first time A kiss on the forehead just like morning time.

  Little girl and little boy snug and warm between mother and father tightly cuddled.

  Curtains left undone

  Snowflakes seen settling the ground

  A loving family under one roof Protection and love all around

  That's all they wanted them to surround

  A knock at the door the father goes His friends and their wives appear

  They were the family everyone loved They were the ones everyone admired.

  An hour or two, dinner set

  Warmer and cozier than they'll ever get the love within this home was

  Contagious, Irresistible

  Family, friends, neighbors all welcome

  This home, in particular, was one people felt at ease

  For it contained the couple who loved one another more than ever.

  The ones who comforted and advised The ones everyone looked up to and aspired to be like

  A place not only with a tightly knit family around

  But a home with lots of love to surround A husband and wife with their two children

  The ones who inspired and believed in others.

  10pm now past children’s bedtime

  For it was a Friday night they deserved family movie time

  Guests thank these two for the unexpected dinner

  What a comfortable place it was for people to be

  They said they shall be back sooner than ever!

  Man and wife now prepare children's milk and snacks

  For this fortnightly Friday movie night

  They eagerly awaited

  Candles lit

  Lamps on

  Fire

  ignited

  4 snug on their living room sofa.

  Sometimes the phone will light up Sometimes the doorbell will ring

  And all she hopes for is

  Nothing but him

  On the other side

  ‘I just want you to be happy’ I just want

  You to be happy too.

  As much as it will ache to see you with another, I hope she makes you happy. I hope she gives you the world. I hope she gives you the love you deserve. I will envy her but if she makes you happy then I’ll be content.

  Sometimes I’ll be walking and I’ll think of something funny and I’ll not help but think ‘I need to tell him this.’ I used to tell you the smallest to the biggest occurrences during my daily life but now when something happens I can’t help but think ‘I need to tell him this’- just to realize

  There’s nobody to ask how my day was and that we don’t talk anymore

>   If I even achieved one thing out of all of this by building the connection between himself and God, not only through my prayers for him but by convincing him to pray and telling him to make visits to the Gurdwara often, then I'm pleased

  ‘You’re in my kismat. I know it.’

  he said

  I know it can be difficult especially when you get into the habit of talking to someone every night and suddenly, they’re not there-whether this be a friend or a lover

  Especially when they’ve engraved such a mark that they’ll forever remain deep within your heart

  I know the pain; I’ve felt it too

  It all comes down to the one individual The one you look for in everyone

  The one you’ll love like no other Him

  Faith

  One thing I do remember is asking you, back when we were just getting to know one another is when you last visited the Gurdwara